Tim Tebow Saves Another Life – Might Be Jesus

EDITOR’S NOTE: Listen to ‘Jesus Walks’ while reading.

Yesterday was Tim Tebow’s debut in the Arizona Fall League with the Scottsdale Scorpions, and he wasted zero time making headline news. After his 0-3 performance at the plate and extremely poor outfield play, Tebow was working his way down a line of fans signing autographs when all of a sudden a man in the crowd began to have a seizure. People began screaming for help while the man was on the ground in need of serious medical attention. Paramedics were a few minutes out, so in the mean time it was #TebowTime. The former Heisman trophy winner attended to the man immediately, placing a hand on his side and praying for him. Of course, the man woke up soon after and was okay. So long story short, a guy began seizing out and Tebow single-handedly saved him.

This is now the second life that Tim Tebow has brought back from the dead. Not too long ago, an elderly man on the same plane as Tebow got very ill and his heart stopped functioning. So, naturally, Tebow puts a hand on the man’s back while he says a prayer. Shortly thereafter, the elderly man is conscious and his heart is functioning great. No doctors and no sort of medical attention necessary. The old man just needed some Tebowmania in his life and his heart began beating again.

So pretty much, this guy Tebow can’t be real. People are dropping left and right and he’s casually saving lives through prayer. There’s a line between being a human and being Jesus and I think that crosses it. We have to at least entertain the conversation that our Lord and Savior might be playing minor league baseball for the New York Mets. According to every single report on both of these stories, once Tebow came and did his holy thing on the lives of these dying men, they were instantaneously cured. The fact he has done this not once, but now twice, proves that he needs to be on the list of questions a bystander should ask if they see someone that needs medical help. “Can someone call 9-1-1?! Is anyone here a doctor?! IS TIM TEBOW HERE?! WHERE IS TEBOW?!?” Calling an ambulance and calling for Tim Tebow should go hand in hand at this point. I might even suggest yelling for Tebow before calling 9-1-1.

Thank god that both of these men are alive and well, but if I’m a paramedic I am NOT happy about this at all. Who the fuck is this guy? People go to school to be different kinds of healthcare professionals, and all this jerkoff has to do is touch someone and they’re healthier than ever. An ambulance could have been 3 minutes away from the Scorpions ballpark, but by then it’s too late for them to be the hero. Tebow only needs 3 seconds. He just had to lay a finger on the guy, say some nice things to God, and boom. They’re back. They’re alive. Never been more alive in their life.

All of this makes it pretty obvious that Tebow has to be put on the Mets official roster next season. I don’t care about his baseball stats. He’s putting up life saving stats. Put this man in leftfield next year and watch him hit .187, but bring 5 people back to life. Can you say World Series?


Crime Alert – High Point Solutions Stadium: Rutgers Football Murdered In Cold Blood

So earlier this week I tweeted out that Michigan is going to beat Rutgers by 70. Total joke, because it’s physically impossible to lose a football game that badly. Well Saturday night Rutgers proved me wrong. They put on without a doubt the worst performance ever in any sporting contest I’ve ever witnessed.

I don’t care how good Michigan is, you had a week to prepare for this game. You had a week to put together a game plan for how to not lose by 78 points. The fact that the spread on a Big 10 matchup was +28.5 RU on their home field is absolutely horrific to begin with. A 30-point loss would have been rough to see, so a 78-point loss is almost impossible to wrap my head around. Big Blue’s got some dogs, and their defense could probably shut down the Cleveland Browns, but at the end of the day they’re in the same conference as you. You’re supposed to be a Big 10 team, so there should be absolutely no way you’re so bad you lose a game 78-0. People don’t lose 78-0 in Madden. By 40-0 how do you even go back out onto the field? How are the coaches still on the sidelines making play calls? If I was the head coach, by 50-0 I’m calling my wife and begging her not to leave me. I’m getting my kids on the phone and telling them I love them and everything is going to be okay. Seriously though, there had to have been a couple break ups after that game.

What’s crazy is that Michigan obviously took their foot off the gas and they still entirely dominated Rutgers on both sides of the ball. It got to the point where it was legitimately difficult to watch. I have no idea how anyone associated with Rutgers football can show their face in public again. But for that entire Rutgers team, last night was one of if not the biggest game of their life. Michigan comes into High Point Solutions Stadium for a game under the lights, aka it’s the Super Bowl of your regular season. How do you not mix in a touchdown? With the amount of adrenaline and hype going into this game you’d have to think Rutgers would find the endzone at least once. Not only did they not come even remotely close to scoring a single point, they had two first downs the entire game. TWO. They moved forward 10 yards twice in four quarters. I mean that is so bad I think I hate every single person I know that goes to Rutgers now. How can I look at you in the face? Your school is gonna lose by 78 and then you’re gonna ask me to chill? I lost every ounce of respect for you. But at the same time, I feel for every single student currently attending Rutgers. The university should refund every student’s tuition after that loss. How is anyone with a Rutgers degree going to get a job after this? Any employer is going to see “Education: Rutgers” on a resume and burn it. No way any company is bringing in someone who experienced a 78-0 L before.

Next up for Rutgers is a home game vs. 1-4 Illinois. When it’s October 9th and you only have one win, there’s nothing to really get excited about; unless you’re playing Rutgers next week. You know when a joke is so bad that it’s funny? That’s exactly what this game will be. Rutgers is so bad they make bad teams look not bad. Final score prediction: 6-3 Illinois (2OT).

Connor Gillaspie – The Latest Mets Killer

It wasn’t Buster Posey. It wasn’t Hunter Pence. It wasn’t anyone you could have ever have possibly imagined. He goes by the name of Connor Gillaspie, and he is the man responsible for personally ending the Mets season on Wednesday night in the NL Wildcard. This is a good time to segue into my first question – who the FUCK is Connor Gillaspie? Actually though. He’s been in the league? He’s on an MLB roster? He’s starting in a playoff game? He’s hitting game winning home runs? Out of every member of the Giants roster it had to be this guy. It couldn’t have been someone like Brandon Crawford. I could live with a guy as swaggy as that guy hitting a 3-run bomb in the 9th. Such a vintage Mets move to turn some total dork into the star of the night. I would have felt better if Bumgarner was the one who hit the home run. Up until that point I was legitimately more scared of him hurting us at the plate than Gillaspie. I probably would have been more scared of a fan from the crowd stepping into the box. All I knew about this dude was that Noah Syndergaard made him look like a damn fool the entire game. He was a guaranteed out before that last inning. I was heckling this guy to quit his job, and then he becomes the Giants hero. I’m not letting the Mets offense off the hook; they handed Bumgarner the easiest complete game shutout of his life. But the fact that a guy like Connor Gillaspie was the difference in that game is sickening. Just another day in the life of a Mets fan.

If the Giants manufactured a run or two and Bumgarner flat out outdueled Syndergaard, I’d say wow that sucks and get over it. But no. Of course not. The Mets can’t just lose a game. They have to rip your heart out from your chest first. They’re like a spinoff of that show 1000 Ways To Die – 1000 Ways To Lose. Out of every possible way to blow that game, Connor Gillespie hitting a 3-run bomb off Familia is literally the last thing you could have expected – and that’s exactly why it happened. That’s what the Mets do best. Nothing is impossible when you play the New York Mets, and everything that isn’t supposed to happen will 100% happen.

Exhibit A: the Giants are a team that doesn’t strikeout. Every baseball writer and analyst couldn’t say it enough. If there’s one thing the Giants don’t do, it’s strikeout. Yet, they K’d against Syndergaard 11 times. 11 humiliating strikeouts. 98 on the black – you’re out. 99 above the letters – you’re gone. 93mph slider – goodnight. It was like if I got on the mound in the Little League World Series right now. He was straight up disrespecting every member of the Giants lineup. That was obviously good for the Mets, right? Yeah, except with this team what goes up must come down, and when you root for the Mets it comes down on you hard and it comes down when you least expect it. I’d almost rather have seen the Giants score 10 runs and Mad Bum throw a perfect game over how they lost. You had to have known that that masterful pitching performance from Noah was setting up our hearts being ripped out from our body.

Addison Reed followed Thor with a scoreless 8th to set up Familia for the last inning. All-Star closer, 50 saves, 95mph sinker…aka we’re going to the bottom of the 9th with the score still 0-0. We have to. There’s no way that we don’t. But what if I told you (ESPN 30 for 30 voice) that the Giants would score? What if I told you the Giants were almost dead last in the MLB in home runs this year, and what if I told you some guy named CONNOR GILLASPIE would hit a 3-run moon shot. Like I said, everything that isn’t supposed to happen will in fact happen when you’re playing the Mets. Some may say “that’s baseball” but these yearly heartbreaks simply do not happen to any other team. The 2015 Mets had World Series champs written all over them. The dynamic of that team and the road they took to the World Series, it seemed impossible for them not to win it all. You don’t have the type of moments they had and not win, so naturally they handed the Royals the trophy. Let’s not forget about their choke job in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS. And the ’07 collapse. And the ’08 collapse. And now Connor fucking Gillaspie.

I’m convinced being a fan of this organization takes more years off of your life than smoking two packs of boags everyday. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see how they’ll send us into depression next fall. LGM.

New York Mets Offseason Preview

Football is in full swing, hockey is back, the return of basketball looms, and for an 8th consecutive season, the MLB playoffs are going on without the New York Mets. It was 2 years of heartbreaking collapses, and 6 years stuck in baseball purgatory that brings the Amazins to the point they currently sit. We saw a better baseball team in 2014 than we did in previous years, and with the return of Matt Harvey on the horizon, it’s time to be optimistic in Queens.

Let me start by saying that you are a fool if you don’t see the potential in this Mets pitching staff. We can’t expect Matt Harvey to be exactly what we saw in 2013, but he still has a chance to be one of the best pitchers in baseball. 2014 let us see the emergence of likely NL Rookie of the Year Jacob deGrom, a guy that scouts really overlooked in their evaluations of the Mets young pitching. Zack Wheeler had a rough start to the year, but finished by looking flat out dominant at some points. His lack of longevity is still an issue, but let’s remember that the guy is still only 24 years old. Jon Niese had a solid year, and is a very good left-handed starter to have if he stays healthy. Dillon Gee was bit by the injury bug, and had a shaky year, but let’s not forget about his very efficient 2013. Bartolo Colon won 15 games and was an innings eater, but the logical thing to do now is for the Mets to trade the 41 year old. Noah Syndergaard had his struggles in AAA and didn’t get that September call-up as was expected, but scouts still consider him to be one of the best pitching prospects in the game. The 5 spot in the Mets rotation is certainly up for grabs, and guys like Montero and Matz can also compete for it along with Gee and Syndergaard.

The Mets bullpen this year was as good as we have seen in a very long time. This can definitely be attributed to the emergence of more live, young arms. Mejia was shaky at times, but still saved 28 games. Familia was a great set up man who will likely get some ROY votes. Vic Black showed he could be another solid reliever, posting a 2.60 ERA. Carlos Torres is a good long man to have, and can make a spot start when called upon. Josh Edgin was a very capable lefty out of the pen, as was Dana Eveland. But, I would like to see the Mets pursue a guy like Andrew Miller to be their lefty specialist. Putting some more young arms into the bullpen if there’s no room in the rotation is something the Cardinals have done for years, and that should be a model the Mets follow. The closer position is still up for grabs in my opinion, and I actually would like to see Familia in there instead of the erratic Mejia. The bullpen has always been an issue in Queens, but could really be one of their strong points in 2015 with the OODLES of young pitching they have.

Now to the offense. An obvious positive to take away from 2014 was the emergence of Lucas Duda. Tip of the cap to Sandy Alderson for sticking with him over Ike Davis. The guy only finished 3rd in the NL in HRs and 5th in RBIs. Daniel Murphy is a solid 2 hitter who will play almost every day, hit around .300, and hit 35 doubles. Travis d’Arnaud played much, much better after being sent down to AAA. 20 home runs for him is not too much to ask for at all. Curtis Granderson got off to a horrid start, and was really inconsistent at times, but still managed to hit 20 big flies. The new Citi Field dimensions should help him bump those HR totals up. Another player the new dimensions in right center should help is David Wright. Wright played with a hurt shoulder for most of the year, and put up some pretty bad numbers. I don’t think he is done at all though, as some have speculated. He’s finally got some protection in the order, and if healthy, can return to the David Wright of 2012. Another guy you can pencil into the line-up next year is Juan Lagares. He’s the best defensive center fielder in baseball, and has a solid bat too. Now the obvious gaping holes in the Mets lineup is in left field and at shortstop. I don’t think they need a guy who will hit 30 HRs in LF. Those are very hard to come by nowadays, and aside from Nelson Cruz (who the Mets can’t afford), guys like that aren’t available in free agency this winter. A guy who is available is Michael Cuddyer. He’s 36 years old, but won the batting title in 2013. Plus, he’s old buddies with David Wright, so Queens seems to be a possible destination. Shortstop needs to be addressed as well. Ruben Tejada isn’t cutting it anymore. Wilmer Flores has a nice bat, but I don’t think his offense makes up for his lack of defense. If we’ve learned anything from the KC Royals, it’s that defense should not be overlooked. A guy I’d like to see the Mets sign to play SS is Jed Lowrie. He had some injury problems this year, but had 15 HRs, 75 RBIs, and hit .290 in 2013. Pretty much anything would be an upgrade over what is at SS currently.

So if I haven’t already convinced you, I expect the Mets to be in contention for the post season in 2015. They need to make moves to get this team over the hump. Seeing a team like the Royals convinces me even more that the Mets have a shot. The Mets have a better rotation than KC, and we all know pitching is what wins you games in October. That and timely hitting. A few more key additions offensively and I can see this team winning anywhere from 85-90 games in 2015. All you Yankees and Sox fans may laugh at this, but I cannot wait to bathe in your tears when the Mets rattle off 10 straight championships until 2024. The future is finally here Mets fans. It’s time to stop “waiting till next year”, and expect to see a winning team on the field now. But that is very dependent on how this offseason goes. Your move Sandy.

Derek Jeter……You Ruin My Life

Now the intent of this blog is not to bash Derek Jeter. Can’t do it, won’t do it. The intent of this blog is to give you a little insight into why last night represented the 19 years of misery I’ve experienced as a sports fan. There’s few things on this Earth I love more than my New York Mets. And with that love of the Mets comes an utter hatred of the New York Yankees. The team that during my life, has won 5 World Series, and never finished with a losing record. Take a look at the Mets, and their loss last night officially gave them 6 straight seasons of losing baseball. So you can see why my blood boils with hatred for the Yankees and everything about them. And at the center of this evil empire for my entire life, has been none other than Derek Sanderson Jeter. New York’s Golden Boy. And after hearing about his greatness and his perfection for 6 long months, of course last night happens. Of course. It was a metaphor that sums up my entire sports life to a tee. And when I thought that it was finally the Mets turn in New York, that Jeter retiring would be the end of the Yankees as we know them, he goes out there and does something that I’ll have to hear about for another 10 goddamn years. Yeah it was meaningless because the Yankees are out of the playoffs, but literally any other ending would have been fine. I’ve come to the conclusion that the sports gods love seeing me miserable.
I honestly didn’t think last night could happen because it was too perfect, but of course it did. What kind of IDIOT would expect anything else? There has never been a symbol more perfect to personify the horrors of my sports life. But hey, at least Matt Harvey was there to see it 😃🔫. Derek fuckin Jeter.

Penn State Being Penn State

I’m making my return to DBS after an almost two month long absence because my blood is BOILING. Penn State students rallying and chanting to put back up the Joe Paterno statue. Honestly, I think the only place on this Earth filled with more brainwashed and delusional people than Happy Valley is North Korea. I would say I’m shocked by what’s going on tonight, but when I think about it, how could I be? They just can’t accept the facts. Joe Paterno knew that Jerry Sandusky was sexually abusing children and didn’t do enough. Sure he reported it to his higher ups but c’mon now. (If a teacher sees a kid getting sexually assaulted on school grounds, does he/she go to the principal or the cops? Penn State students would tell you the principal because they worship this enabler). When 10 years go by, and you realize that Sandusky isn’t behind bars, that would probably alarm a person right? Maybe someone like me or you, but not Joe Pa. I mean the guy had a football program to run. What’s more important, winning games or stopping kids from getting diddled? I don’t understand Penn State and never will. Happy Valley is a fantasy land compared to the rest of the world, and sadly that will never change. If it’s revealed tomorrow that Jim Calhoun (who won more national championships in less years than the “legendary” Joe Pa NBD, but KBD) was letting kids get raped for 10 years, I don’t think anyone would complain if they change the name of Jim Calhoun Way in front of Gampel. But hey, I guess Storrs just lacks the brainwashed, cult mentality that is ever so present in Happy Valley. #WeAre

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James to Sign with Cleveland Cavaliers

Sources close to Dart Boy Sports are confirming that LeBron James will become a Cleveland Cavalier. The length of the contract has not yet been confirmed but it is rumored to be a max deal for 4 years. Our sources also are saying that LeBron is currently in a meeting with members of Cleveland’s front office, and that they are “crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s” on this new deal. Stay tuned for more updates to follow.