EDITOR’S NOTE: Listen to ‘Jesus Walks’ while reading.
Yesterday was Tim Tebow’s debut in the Arizona Fall League with the Scottsdale Scorpions, and he wasted zero time making headline news. After his 0-3 performance at the plate and extremely poor outfield play, Tebow was working his way down a line of fans signing autographs when all of a sudden a man in the crowd began to have a seizure. People began screaming for help while the man was on the ground in need of serious medical attention. Paramedics were a few minutes out, so in the mean time it was #TebowTime. The former Heisman trophy winner attended to the man immediately, placing a hand on his side and praying for him. Of course, the man woke up soon after and was okay. So long story short, a guy began seizing out and Tebow single-handedly saved him.
This is now the second life that Tim Tebow has brought back from the dead. Not too long ago, an elderly man on the same plane as Tebow got very ill and his heart stopped functioning. So, naturally, Tebow puts a hand on the man’s back while he says a prayer. Shortly thereafter, the elderly man is conscious and his heart is functioning great. No doctors and no sort of medical attention necessary. The old man just needed some Tebowmania in his life and his heart began beating again.
So pretty much, this guy Tebow can’t be real. People are dropping left and right and he’s casually saving lives through prayer. There’s a line between being a human and being Jesus and I think that crosses it. We have to at least entertain the conversation that our Lord and Savior might be playing minor league baseball for the New York Mets. According to every single report on both of these stories, once Tebow came and did his holy thing on the lives of these dying men, they were instantaneously cured. The fact he has done this not once, but now twice, proves that he needs to be on the list of questions a bystander should ask if they see someone that needs medical help. “Can someone call 9-1-1?! Is anyone here a doctor?! IS TIM TEBOW HERE?! WHERE IS TEBOW?!?” Calling an ambulance and calling for Tim Tebow should go hand in hand at this point. I might even suggest yelling for Tebow before calling 9-1-1.
Thank god that both of these men are alive and well, but if I’m a paramedic I am NOT happy about this at all. Who the fuck is this guy? People go to school to be different kinds of healthcare professionals, and all this jerkoff has to do is touch someone and they’re healthier than ever. An ambulance could have been 3 minutes away from the Scorpions ballpark, but by then it’s too late for them to be the hero. Tebow only needs 3 seconds. He just had to lay a finger on the guy, say some nice things to God, and boom. They’re back. They’re alive. Never been more alive in their life.
All of this makes it pretty obvious that Tebow has to be put on the Mets official roster next season. I don’t care about his baseball stats. He’s putting up life saving stats. Put this man in leftfield next year and watch him hit .187, but bring 5 people back to life. Can you say World Series?