Trump Made It Rain Paper Towels All Over Puerto Rico

Donald! Shot clock turned off! He’s gonna do it himself! Trump, shake, crossover, step baaaackkkkk….AHHHHHHH!

Trump from the parking lot!

The Donald just out here making it rain all over Puerto Rico. The first jumper I thought okay, fine. He’s handing out paper towels and wanted to make a funny by tossing the first one like a basketball. But then came another one. And another one. And before you know it the Commander-In-Chief went for 50 on the city of Guaynabo. This went from a nice gesture of handing out supplies to those in need to a clinic from behind the arc. Maybe The Mooch was being honest when he said he’s seen Trump nail free throws in Madison Square Garden in a top coat. 

But if I know the President like I think I do, when it comes to hoops, he is one thousand percent Sandy Lyle from Along Came Polly on the basketball court. 

That is absolutely a spitting image of Donald in the schoolyard. He was the kid that would murder you every time you got in the paint and then call a touch foul whenever he drove to the basket. Whatever it takes to win. Cause that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna win and we’re gonna win so much you may even get tired of winning! And you’ll say please, please Mr. President! It’s too much winning! We can’t take it anymore!

God help us. 

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It Took Colin Cowherd 3 Minutes to Put the City of Philadelphia in a Body Bag

So earlier today Colin Cowherd did that thing he does everyday. He went on another one of his insane, completely absurd rants. The one today was directed at Philadelphia.

Not just a specific Philly team. Nope. This was a direct missile strike on the entire city of Philadelphia.

What’s amazing about Cowherd is that the original thought that started this rant was how Andy Reid has lead Alex Smith and the Kansas City Chiefs to a 4-0 start. That somehow lead to Colin shitting on Philly for being the original capital of America over 300 years ago only to “blow that too”.

Where he went with this is so ridiculous and so funny only because it’s Philly. If you don’t agree with every single thing a Philly fan has to say they think you’re a moron and they hate you. If you say you don’t think Carson Wentz is an elite quarterback to the wrong person you might end up dead in a ditch. Not only did he call out the Eagles, Phillies, and Villanova, but he called Philadelphia the dumbest sports city in America. He is officially on every Philly hardo’s kill list. For life. In 30 years he could show up in Center City and would get snowballs thrown at him for that three minutes of radio he did one time.

I hate Cowherd but I might have to love him now. The fact he has the ability to completely make up a theory out of thin air, like that Philadelphia hates National Championship winning head coach Jay Wright, and speak so confidently about it is so outrageous you have to tip your cap. Also saying that Eagles fans ran Reid out of town because his name is ‘Reid’ and Philly people don’t like to read is laugh out loud funny.

Overall, this is just another L for the city of Philadelphia. Colin Cowherd thinks you are the dumbest sports city in the country, and all of you people are “dopey.” Not stupid, not idiotic. You’re dopey.

Cold. Blooded.

Goodnight, Ray Ramirez

Via New York Mets – The New York Mets today announced the following staff changes.

Ray Ramirez, who has been the Mets Head Trainer since the 2005 season, will not return in 2018. The rest of the training and conditioning staff will remain with the club for the 2018 season.

Great work Ray, great work. See if you could read this –

You’re fired! And in case your ears are fucked,

GET. THE FUCK. OUT.

Pack up your shit and get the hell out of Flushing and never come back. This is no joke the best move the Mets could have made this offseason. Firing Ray Ramirez was a more important move for this team than signing any player (but an infielder, outfielder, catcher, and pitcher would be nice, Sandy).

I didn’t even realize Ramirez has been with the Mets since 2005. TWELVE YEARS of this guy being without a shadow of a doubt the worst athletic trainer in professional sports. I mean maybe beside your favorite team do you know the name of any other trainer in the MLB? In any sport? This isn’t just Mets fans being cry babies – this guy actually STINKS. He would misdiagnose injuries. He would let guys come back too early. He would let guys play through injuries. Any possible way a trainer could negatively effect a player’s health and a team in general, he’s done it. And that’s putting it very lightly.

Mets fans have dealt with the circus that is the Mets training staff for over a decade now, but this season was a gigantic nail in the coffin. When your ace, your best player, your closer, and everyone in between faced serious DL time all year, something is going very wrong. That’s not just a coincidence. Ray Ramirez was the core of the problem, and now he is finally gone forever.

Thanks for nothing, Ray. Thanks for being the worst.

RIP No. 1 Overall Pick: The Jets Are 2-2

Here we are heading into Week 5 of the NFL regular season, and the Bills sit alone in first place in the AFC East with a 3-1 record, while the Jets and Patriots share second place sitting at 2-2.

Just like everyone predicted.

Quick recap on the AFC East, the Bills might actually be kinda good (probably not) and the Patriots stink but are going to win the Super Bowl anyway. And the Dolphins (1-3) are just a joke.

 

Now on to the Jets. The fucking New York Jets.

Here we have a team that was predicted to be the worst team of all time. No exaggeration, that was the scouting report on this roster heading into 2017. They were given 1,000-to-1 odds to win the Super Bowl, the worst odds in NFL history, and had a legitimate chance of being the worst football team ever assembled.

Okay, cool. USC has a for sure NFL stud playing quarterback for them this year. The Jets picked the perfect year to be really really shitty. They now have their future in the palm of their hands, and all they have to do is act natural and just suck like they’re supposed to. They blink and go 0-16, snag the No. 1 overall pick in the draft, and boom – the Jets get Sam Darnold and he is the face of the franchise forever and I can stop waking up crying in the middle of the night because the Jets finally have a legit QB.

But no. Of course not. Instead, the Jets go out and win two games in the first four weeks like a bunch of fucking idiots. Everyone wave bye to the No. 1 pick! Literally wave!

Now they’re 2-2 and are heading to Cleveland to face the 0-4 Browns this Sunday. And if you don’t think they’re winning that game you are nuts, because now the Jets are starting to get cocky. They’re playing like that 14 seed in March Madness who blacks out and randomly ends up in the Sweet Sixteen for no reason. They’re supposed to lose every single game, but when a team goes out and plays with nothing to lose, sometimes they win. That’s exactly what this stupid team is doing because they’re so stupid. They’re so bad they don’t even know how to be good at being bad. I feel like Jackie Moon screaming at Vakidis to learn fucking English. All the Jets have to do is not win, and they can’t even do that.

I understand it’s tough to root for your team to lose, but when the Jets finish 4-12 and get the 5th overall pick and draft a defensive lineman and Christian Hackenberg is QB1 in 2018 I am going to off myself and so are you.

On top of all this, Todd Bowles aka the Zodiac Killer has already overachieved over the fucking moon this season by winning two games, so now he’s not going to get fired. Now we have to watch another season of the Jets being coached by a man who is literally unaware of how an offense works in football/very clearly has killed multiple people in his life. Look at that guy’s face and tell me I’m wrong.

When the Jets are good they’re not good enough and when they’re bad they’re not bad enough. Here’s to another below .500 season, and here’s to another below .500 season next year too.

PS – I know it doesn’t matter now but if Sam Darnold really was going to stay at school if the Jets got the No. 1 pick I don’t blame him but I hope he tears both his ACLs.

Double PS – How about taking care of the football one time you bum. Cover the god damn spread for me one time.

 

*Has Anti-Trump Protest* *Trump Is Still The Next President*

BREAKING NEWS: After thousands of people participate in anti-Trump protests across the country, I have confirmed with my sources that Donald Trump is still the next President of the United States of America.

The Donald, somehow, someway, won the presidential election. He is our next president. He was before your protest, he was during your protest, and he still is after your protest. You can give me a million reasons why he shouldn’t be, and I probably could too, but the election is over. He won, Hill-dog lost, and there is literally nothing you can do about it. If you know me, you know that I was very against the idea of Trump being our next president. I think I could write a book on how bananas it is that this guy is next in line to run our country, but I’m not going to do that. I’m not a sore loser liberal like half our country appears to be. We have to come together as a nation, aka stop crying and having these bullshit “protests”. What is that going to do? There was just one of these things in Oregon, which lead to 112 people getting arrested. The best part of this story is that 69 of those people arrested did not vote. So I raise a question to those 69 protestors – what the FUCK are you doing with your life??? You had the power to affect this election with your vote, decided not to, and then you’re going to protest the result of the election. I just did math, and came to the conclusion that your entire life is a joke. The fact people like this exist is honestly so sad. Not only are these Trump haters protesting him being our next president, but they are doing exactly what they said they’re against. All of these people revolve around the saying “love trumps hate!” yet many of these protests have been declared ‘unlawful assembly’, and some have even turned into riots. You’re upset with the president-elect because his campaign appears to divide our nation, so in response you protest and riot like psychopaths against everyone and anything that supports him. Everything you’re standing up for is so backwards; you’re just upset you lost. On top of that, there have been multiple reports of college professors pushing back exams because students are too distraught over the election. How soft can you possibly be? How does that even work? I can’t imagine ever sending an email like, “Hi professor, the candidate I supported lost, so I don’t think I am mentally or physically capable of taking our history exam this Friday.” I don’t know how people can look themselves in the mirror after this type of behavior.

Just to go along with this, for the record, if you legitimately like Hillary Clinton I don’t want to know you. Besides the fact that her “husband” (business partner) is an absolute savage there is not a single likable thing about that lady. I was #WithHer solely because Donald Trump running our nation is out of this world insane to me. But, in a few months he will be, and we all have to accept that. Get out of the streets, go get a job, go back into your classrooms…go back to wherever you came from and just move on with your life already. I get being scared of what the next 4 years will entail, but enough is enough.

Donald Trump is a major wild card, so the unpredictability of his term is through the roof. But, one thing we do know is that he cannot stand critics. He’s a little sensitive that way. If he hears or sees anything at all that he does not like, he has to address it. He simply cannot help himself. Example: every single one of his tweets. Many Democrats have brought up the fact that Hillary won the popular vote, so Trump, naturally, fired out a tweet about how he’d run his campaign if the popular vote carried more weight. Yo, Donald…you won man. It’s over.

Donald: “Hey so I won, but if the popular vote mattered more than the electoral vote I would have done this to win.”

The rest of the world: “Yes, but the popular vote doesn’t matter more than the electoral vote. You won, Mr. Trump.”

Donald: “Yeah, but I don’t know. Just sayin.”

You can’t stop his ego, you can only hope to contain it. Hopefully President Trump is a little more cleaned up than candidate Trump, or else the protesting may never end. These people supported the same candidate as me, so I gave them a few days to get their feelings off of their chest. It’s 2016, this is what people do now. But at this point it is just getting embarrassing. Like I said, the guy won fair and square. Stop saying “not my president” because newsflash, he is. Man up, move on, and hope for the best. ‘Merica.

The NBA: Most Talent-Filled Sport On The Planet

We are about a week into the NBA season, and nobody is playing around. It’s only been a few games, but it seems like every single stud in the league has been playing out of their mind. If you look at the numbers, you could argue there are over 10 guys that could win the MVP this year. What other sport could you ever say that about? This isn’t anything new, either. Year in and year out, we get to watch these superstars do their thing, while new stars are always born. The only sport you could argue we also see this in is baseball, but it is not nearly as consistent. Bryce Harper, the 2015 NL MVP, hit .243 with 24 homeruns this season. He’s still an animal and one of the best players in the MLB, but baseball is the hardest sport ever. You are not going to get that superstar production from every superstar every year. But nowadays, in the NBA, it appears that’s exactly what we are getting.

For one, we have the pleasure of watching LeBron James play basketball. You don’t have to know a single thing about the sport to know that The King is special, and something we will never see again. Whether you love him or hate him, LeBron is in the Finals literally every single year, and with another ring or two we should start seriously questioning who the G.O.A.T. really is. Something many people view as a downside to the NBA is the fact that the East has been so weak and LeBron is so good, it’s a lock for him to make the Finals every year. The only problem with that is the Eastern Conference really isn’t all that bad; LeBron is just that good. We should be appreciating that greatness rather than bugging out over that pass he made in the 4th quarter. The whole “super team” thing does not sit well with many people either, and I don’t understand why. You’re upset to watch Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson and Kevin Durant play together? Why? The Warriors are going to be a video game brought to life. Unless your name is Stephen A. Smith, it’s not your job to care so much about where players choose to play. I don’t think KD cares how “soft” you think he is. We have to stop scrutinizing every move these guys make, and instead just sit back and enjoy the show.

Despite blowing that 3-1 lead in the Finals, Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors are a team we will tell our children about. What Curry can do with a basketball defies the laws of gravity, and the fact that Klay Thompson is now the third option on a professional basketball team is absolutely horrifying. If Klay were in the league 20 years ago, he would be a huuuuuuge (fuck Trump) star. You could say that about all of these guys. Anthony Davis, DeMarcus Cousins, Kawhi Leonard; and these names aren’t even the household ones. There are so many stars in this sport that many of them never get the shine or credit they deserve. Look at Damian Lillard. He wasn’t an All-Star last year. Dude is a PROBLEM with the ball, and will 100% be in the MVP hunt this year and year’s to come. But nope, didn’t make the cut last year. The NBA is so good the All-Star Game roster isn’t big enough for the amount of All-Stars in the league. Then you have guys like Chris Paul, 8-time All-Star, who has never won a championship. Never came close to winning. If CP3 had a ring on his resume, you could argue that he’s the best point guard ever. The Western Conference is just too good, and he will never reach that plateau. The NBA is not like the MLB where a Bryce Harper slumps all season, but Joe Schmo randomly hits .315 and is an All-Star for a year. No. You already know Russell Westbrook, my pick for the 2016-17 MVP, is going to average close to a triple double this season. You know James Harden is going to be in the running for another scoring title. You know Kyrie Irving is going to be a human highlight reel every single night. It goes on and on, and on TOP of that are the Joe Schmo’s who show out a little bit.

No matter who is playing on ESPN or TNT that night, you’re almost guaranteed to see a beast on the court. Can you say the same about Thursday Night Football? I’d rather watch grass grow. The NBA today is the best it has ever been, and is the most talent-filled sport in the world. The holidays are coming up, let’s be a little more grateful for that.

Friday Afternoon Rap Talk

After a few minutes of facing the internal debate of whether or not it’s worth it to get up and see what’s in my fridge, I decided to settle for the crumbs at the bottom of the family size bag of cool ranch Doritos laying next to me and call it a day. After wiping 80% of the aforementioned crumbs off my shirt, I open up my laptop to see an article published on DBS, “Reality Check – Meek Mill and DC4 Blows”.  First of all, I’d like to acknowledge the slow but steady rebirth of Dartboy Sports.  Really brings a smile to my face, shoutout to anyone reading this.

Now I don’t really know much about Meek besides “Dreams and Nightmares” and the fact that he essentially became a punchline after his “beef” with Drake, but I’d probably agree with the overarching message of JB’s article and say that he’s a pretty overrated (unless you listen to music with the intent to get really angry for no apparent reason). Howevah, it was all that pro-Drake bullshit that really stuck out to me here. I thought I was headed for an article of some casual Drake bashing after I read the “that guy from Degrassi” line, but nah. Drake is trash. Garbage. Junk. Thought I’d be able to think of more synonyms there. But how can someone consistently drop these type of lines in his songs and be referred to as a great rapper?

“Why you gotta fight with me at Cheesecake, you know I love to go there”

“All my ‘let’s just be friends’ are friends I don’t have anymore”

“I got bitches asking me about the code for the WiFi so they can talk about my timeline”

Those lyrics sound remind me of a sorority girl holding a pumpkin spice latte talking about how all guys are the same and she’ll be #foreveralone.  When I think of “rap” lyrics I think of Biggie robbing motherfuckers, 50 Cent talking about guns, or Jay-Z talking about his drug dealing days. Hard to imagine your average slut in Sigma Delta Beta dropping just about any line ever spoken by those rappers.  It truly baffles me how anyone can actually like this guy, he’s an absolutely colossal pussy. Soft as baby shit. But for now just give me some throwback 80s jams or some early 2000s rap hits and I’m good with that.  Fuck Drake.

 

*Warriors -11 and Navy +6.5 for a million each tonight*